Honesty.

So Little Guy has not had a full-on meltdown in months.  We’ve had a couple of minis, and a couple of close calls, but not the full, kicking, screaming, thrashing, sometimes hours-long messes we used to have before going gluten-free and then GAPS, and focusing very hard on his sensory diet.

Until this morning.

It wasn’t quite as bad as they used to be.  It only lasted about twenty minutes.  But someone said something that frustrated his sense of order, and he lost control.  Completely.  And throughout that twenty minutes, he hit me.  Several times.  In the face.

And I guess I was hit one more time than I could handle today, because I said something I immediately regretted.   Don’t worry….I didn’t curse or swear at him, call him a name or say anything ugly.  Nothing like that.  But I went beyond my personal boundary for expressed frustration.

And I was instantly angry with myself.  Very angry.

And then I was angry that I was angry at myself.  I mean, after all, everyone around me seems entitled to moments of frustration and weakness occasionally; but somehow when I have a weak moment, it’s a huge deal to everybody…myself included.

The morning didn’t get much better from there.  As I stood making my second pot of coffee, trying to conceal my tears and not caring in the least how dehydrated I already was and that I really should have been drinking water, not coffee, I thought, I wish this day had ended before it began. 

But, just as quickly, I realized I didn’t.

Because, if I had missed this day, I would have missed the amazing moment when he came back to me, smiled, and made a little joke.

I would have missed the bright green fields behind my house.  And making a birdfeeder.  And planting seeds.  And cooking dinner.  And loving.  And being loved.

I would have missed smiles.003

And the writing on the wall.

006

I would have missed Baby V waking up from her nap and grinning up at me with outstretched arms…still holding her teddy bear, of course.  I would have missed drawing numbers in salt.  I would have missed giggles over spilled water.  I would have missed the sound of Little Guy singing…yes, singing!….to himself in the shower.

And that would have been sad.

Because, really….I don’t want to miss a thing. 

Not one.

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Published in: on March 14, 2013 at 11:13 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. ((HUGS)) and sympathy….the tantrums that come after they start to fade away are often some of the worst. They catch us by surprise, and leave us feeling shaken. Don’t beat yourself up, you were upset and frustrated, and reacted….like anyone would. You’re an awesome mom, but even the most awesome mom on the planet makes mistakes….and needs a little slack cut for them on occasion. It sounds like your day turned around though. :-) Hoping that there is another long gap before the next one.

  2. Thanks, Kathy….I know I can always count on you for sound, relevant, and caring advice. It’s really hard not to beat myself up…I’ve been struggling back and forth with that all day. ): Working on it though.

  3. Sweetie, one moment at a time. Just one moment at a time. And let it go. Love you!

    • Cath….love you too. And I’m working on that whole letting go thing….


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