So Little Guy has not had a full-on meltdown in months. We’ve had a couple of minis, and a couple of close calls, but not the full, kicking, screaming, thrashing, sometimes hours-long messes we used to have before going gluten-free and then GAPS, and focusing very hard on his sensory diet.
Until this morning.
It wasn’t quite as bad as they used to be. It only lasted about twenty minutes. But someone said something that frustrated his sense of order, and he lost control. Completely. And throughout that twenty minutes, he hit me. Several times. In the face.
And I guess I was hit one more time than I could handle today, because I said something I immediately regretted. Don’t worry….I didn’t curse or swear at him, call him a name or say anything ugly. Nothing like that. But I went beyond my personal boundary for expressed frustration.
And I was instantly angry with myself. Very angry.
And then I was angry that I was angry at myself. I mean, after all, everyone around me seems entitled to moments of frustration and weakness occasionally; but somehow when I have a weak moment, it’s a huge deal to everybody…myself included.
The morning didn’t get much better from there. As I stood making my second pot of coffee, trying to conceal my tears and not caring in the least how dehydrated I already was and that I really should have been drinking water, not coffee, I thought, I wish this day had ended before it began.
But, just as quickly, I realized I didn’t.
Because, if I had missed this day, I would have missed the amazing moment when he came back to me, smiled, and made a little joke.
I would have missed the bright green fields behind my house. And making a birdfeeder. And planting seeds. And cooking dinner. And loving. And being loved.
And the writing on the wall.
I would have missed Baby V waking up from her nap and grinning up at me with outstretched arms…still holding her teddy bear, of course. I would have missed drawing numbers in salt. I would have missed giggles over spilled water. I would have missed the sound of Little Guy singing…yes, singing!….to himself in the shower.
And that would have been sad.
Because, really….I don’t want to miss a thing.