Okay. It has been far too long since I have written in this space. I have sat down on a few different occasions and made the effort to organize my current experiences, thoughts, and emotions into some form that makes sense; but I have failed every time.
And then tonight I sat down, wrote a long post…actually finished it!…and went to publish it, only to find out that it had somehow magically disappeared in between clicks of the mouse.
I don’t think I have the energy to completely rewrite it; but I wanted to say this at least. I am here. My little family and I are going through momentous–and largely difficult–changes on many different fronts right now, and not all of us are dealing well with them. I certainly am not coping as well as I wish I were. Pain, loss, uncertainty, endings, beginnings, the abortion of nearly all of my self-definitions…none of these are things that are comfy for me. I don’t like them. I am teetering on the edge of depression, and find it really, really hard to get out of bed some mornings. Like yesterday.
But then, something happens. A friend messages me. A wise counselor checks in. A sister calls late at night just to see if I am okay. I read a blog post that keeps me going for another five minutes. And I realize…as this essay reminded me this morning…I am still here. I just have to keep showing up, and eventually (as hard as it is to believe at the moment), everything really will be okay.
None of our days right now are perfect. But today, we had a pretty good school day. We picked up our milk, and skimmed the cream and made butter. We sang. We painted. We read. We counted. We ate hard boiled eggs and gluten free waffles and fruit and cheese and pasta with zucchini sauce.
So yes: I am showing up, hard as it is sometimes. And I plan to keep showing up in this space, because I need it. I need the interaction, the satisfaction, the accountability. The practice.
And yes, I am still reading (forgive the cloudy lens…didn’t realize that someone with small grubby hands had been the last to use the camera!)…
and loving every minute of my children’s growth.
And sometime last week, I found honeysuckle and goldenrod growing together along the border of the back field. It was comforting to me; spring mixed with fall, unexpected pleasures. A surprising beauty.
‘Cause every little thing is gonna be all right…”